I’m not angry. I’m not even sad. I’m not pointing the beam of negative feelings towards you, I’m not pointing them at myself, I’m not blaming the whole world for throwing grand pianos on my head when it seems that the level’s boss was just finished.
I’m just really, really disappointed.
sprzedajna kupa mięsa.
in the background: Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova – Falling Slowly
Oh hai. After months of vegetation in the International Baccalaureate reality, during one of the endless sessions with doing absolutely nothing in the virtual reality called sometimes the internetz, I’ve run into my old blog. And the thought came into my mind: why not reactivate?
So here I am. Last year changed a lot in my life. I’ve had couple of really bad relationships, couple of relationships that looked promising until they got spoiled by the lack of understanding. When all the hope was abandoned and I swore to not to get involved in any relationship crap whatsoever, by mere accident I met The Guy. So far it’s been the best fuckin serious relationship I’ve ever had. I never supposed that something started in so random way can be this successful.
I also managed to pass my finals with pretty good score, thank’s to which I am able to study on the uni I wanted taking the course I wanted since I can remember. IB was a very untasty piece of cake made of bricks and concrete but somehow I managed not to break my teeth trying to break it into pieces small enough to pass it down my throat and digest. I have to admit, I’m actually satisfied with the results, for the first time in my life it’s just the joy without regretting that I could have done better. Moreover, I have a job. The nature, however, will remain untold. Nevertheless, my life seems to be really sorted out lately about which I’m extremely happy.
I’m not sure why I just wrote all of this personal crap, I probably feel bit guilty for abandoning the blog. Nobody cares anyway, huh.
in the background: The Music – Turn out the light
Happiness finally found. Freedom that gives me so much space to breathe.
The state of mind when I don’t have to care about anyone but me. The state of mind when I don’t have to perform pathetic translations from polish to polish for somebody that ain’t gonna understand me anyway. The state of mind when I have no duty to explain every single thing I do.
Happiness is when I can turn off my phone and there is nobody to yell at me. It’s when I can cut my hair and nobody will cry for it. Happiness is when nobody tries to persuade me that he knows better what I feel. When nobody tries to break me down. When nobody tries to prove me he really knows me. What loneliness gives me right about now is a great release. Peace of mind. Yet I ain’t wanna be a better person. I feel good bout myself just the way I am.
And what tomorrow’s gonna bring? You never know. In the end, who cares. Only now matters. Now, meaning now. Not the moment you read last sentence. The moment you read this one. It won’t change your life, I promise.
Yes, I know you are reading this. You couldn’t resist the temptation to look for any sign of me missing you, even if you pretend to be too proud to admit it. Hope it hurts really a lot. :) If your manhood doesn’t allow you to accept that I don’t want you, then just tell yourself I pretend, just the way you always do. It’s the only thing you are good at.
in the background: Gnars Barkley – Crazy
czasem mam takie dni, ze chce mi sie smiac. z wszystkiego. z niczego. z czegokolwiek.
czasem mam takie dni, ze chce mi sie plakac. bo cos zgubie, bo nie mam gotowki, bo swiat jest brzydki.
czasem mam takie dni, ze mam ochote zrobic komus krzywde. uszczypnac, uderzyc, kopnac. wjechac na ambicje. zmiazdzyc psychike.
czasem mam takie dni, ze mam ochote zrobic krzywde sobie. wziac zyletke i jak ostatnie emo pociachac sobie lapy.
czasem mam takie dni, ze mam ochote sie napic. albo lepiej, zalac sobie morde jak skonczony alkoholik.
czasem mam takie dni, ze wszystko mnie boli. bo dostane w ryj, bo mam ‘te dni’, bo spadne z lozka w nocy.
czasem mam takie dni, ze nic mi sie nie chce. nawet znalezienie motywacji zeby wstac rano jest zbyt meczace.
czasem mam takie dni, ze jestem nadpobudliwa. krece sie w kolko, pisze glupie rzeczy, podejmuje decyzje ktorych bede zalowac. czyste adhd.
dzisiaj sa wszystkie te dni naraz. :) taka moja mala schizofrenia.
in the background: Aerosmith – Dream On
It’s kinda funny how people get used to certain things. They get used to cars, houses, pens, lovers, shoes and pillows. They cannot fall asleep without their favourite teddy bear, without watching sport, without kissing their wife good night. When anything is taken away they start to hopelessly run in circles. They don’t really know what to do with their lives now, because they have never had a chance to consider it. Ruining their lives, unhappy about every single part of matter, they blame everyone but themselves, gradually loosing more and more things they loved.
Then one day they wake up and realise that the best part of their live is gone for good. They try to do something exciting, but nothing seems to be good enough.
And then the time comes when there is neither half-filled nor half-empty glass. Then the time comes when the empty glass remains empty.
in the background: Coma – System
Once upon a time there lived a little girl. She used to call herself ‘ i have so stupid name that i will never say it out loud’. For this particuar reason she will be just called girl later on. The girl always felt misunderstood. She wished somebody understood her, but everyone stubbornly refused to. In fact, the reason of this was the girl’s stupidity. She ain’t knew that. Let’s call it an introduction.
One day gal met razor. Razor said: ‘Oh you poor emo’ and girl was like ‘wtf is emo’ and razor was like ‘emo is someone not understood by anyone else’ and girl was like ‘o so i wannabe emo’ and razor was like ‘okas’ and girl was like ‘omg so what i do?’ and razor was like ‘take me and cut your hand’ and gal was like ‘okas’ and she cut herself and razor was like ‘omg u stupid thingie not that hard’ but it was to late and she was like ‘omg wtf my blood escapes’ and razor was like ‘bye bye stupid emo’ and gal was like. Well. She wasn’t like anything at all. Mean, she died.
but who cares.
my lil’ emo wannabe.
in the background: Nickelback – Rockstar
